Family

For those few of you who are following my blog - it has been a while! I have been content for the past couple of weeks just going out with friends, sleeping in, and getting back into the regular workout habit. I start one show weeks this week! My body is ready for the rest. I'm also getting organized and geared up for a lovely 6 day break/trip up to NYC to audition and be with loved ones that I haven't seen in a while. I am looking very much forward to it!

What's been on my mind and heart today is family. Contemplating what the word means to me, what my family means to me, and how much I love them all blood-relation or not. When some people think of family they may think of a husband and wife and children. They may think of a mom and kids, a dad and kids, parents, grandparents, children, aunts, uncles, cousins. People may have close friends or family friends that for one reason or another have come to be thought of as part of a family - an intimate bond of friendship. Some people may have formed a group of people around them that are very close knit because of a group of shared characteristics, bonds, or ideals that make them, for all intents and purposes, a family. However you look at it, there are several definitions. All of them are legitimate.

For me, I have several uses of the word that I want to ponder on. As an entertainer, especially a younger entertainer, I'm prone to the gypsy lifestyle. I travel around a lot! Granted I've been in one place for over a year now, this is still a temporary home for me. Since my blood family is usually not where I am, I always accumulate a small handful of close relations wherever I am that I can call my family. I'm not always the best at communicating - I have always been a very independent person even when growing up. I would often go sit in my room by myself and read or listen to music and do nothing else. I like people's company, but I also like the freedom of doing stuff on my own. It is relaxing and somewhat therapeutic for me. Still, relationships are important and even though I may leave those close friends behind at the end of the contract and not talk to them for months at a time, the fact remains that they are still my loved ones who have been there for me and impacted me greatly. Even those people who may not be my closest friends, but are a part of my every day life on a day to day basis I consider family to some extent. I think it's almost a requirement to form relationships fairly quickly in a performer's life and it is also fairly inevitable because you are ultimately becoming vulnerable with those people when you share your emotions and life with those people on stage. So while Joe Smith who works a desk job at a big law firm may only interact with his co-workers on a business level at work through meetings and exchanges and maybe on a slightly more personal level when on a lunch break or at a bar with a couple of buddies after work - they (more than likely) are still work buddies and there is a wall that separates buds and friends from the more intimate relationship of family. Now, that is just a generalization and on the flip side of things, not everyone in the performing world opens up and shares personal lives and stories with everyone - it just tends to be a more open, more close-knit (almost by necessity) group of people by nature...in general from what I've gathered. And of course there are variances with gender relationships and all - but that's getting a bit more sociological than I intended. All in all performers are quick to be on a more intimate level with their friendships.

So I have my performing families. And regardless of who I consider family while I'm performing, I always have those really close handful of folks that will be there for me and I for them for a lifetime. I tend to meld my college friends who I consider family into that category as well - the performing family. After all, we are all performers in some respect or another!

Church family - my friends growing up from church that I have known since birth and even the people that are not as much friends but folks who have taken an interest in my life and have helped raise me in some form or fashion. I consider them family. Of course you have some that are closer than others...but that's the same with blood relations as well. Cousins that I have that are blood related but that I haven't seen in years or really talk to at all. I treat them like family and love on them when I do see them, but my heart doesn't hurt badly when I don't. That doesn't mean that I care for them any less, we just aren't as big a part of each others' lives as some people are. Of course there are the closer ones. Friends I've had in church that I have known virtually my whole life. They are part of my church family, but by extension of what they mean to me, they are part of MY family. I love them dearly.

And of course the immediate blood-relations. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, 1st cousins, and mom, dad, and sister. My closest family. And yet, as I said, I'm very independent and even with them sometimes a period of time as much as a couple of weeks will go by when I haven't called them or they haven't called me. I'll hear updates and sometimes we'll talk several times in a week. I usually hear from them or call one of them about once a week. They have been on my heart a lot lately. I know they know that I love them and I know that they love me. But hey, it never hurts to say it once in a while - and I'm in a thoughtful, communicative mood.

My dad is an incredible man. He is one of the most disciplined, hard-working person I know. When he puts his mind to learning something or doing something, he works until he has achieved his goals (a valuable trait that I admire so much and strive to have). He is athletic and for an (dare I say it) almost 50 year old - is in excellent physical condition. He has worked his tail off to provide for his family. He is a great story teller. He has always been the voice of reason for me. Sometimes he is a bit stubborn in his ways but he knows what he thinks and why he thinks it. If I ever need sound advice (even if I don't want to hear it) I know I can ask him and he can impart some wisdom or even plain ol' common sense. Everything that he has ever done for me, said to me, given me, or shown me has been to ultimately mold me into a more upright, respectable person - like him. I never shared his love of team sports with him - which saddens me. I haven't shared some of the typical father-son pastimes/bonds that others share like throwing a football or baseball around the yard or playing golf. I did enjoy riding bikes with my dad when I lived at home. I enjoy being around him. I love the fact that he encouraged me and cheered me at my swim meets. I love that I got to act with him - even if it was a little skit at church. He is a wonderful man and although there is a bit of stoicism about him at times, he is a warm, kind, funny and loving man - whether he says it or not, I know he loves me very much. And I love him.

My mother is a beautiful woman both inside and out. She is so strong and patient. She just had surgery for breast cancer and they got it all! She has recovered and healed like a champ. She is a great conversationalist and always a willing ear if you need someone to talk to. We'll talk about anything from catching up type stuff to pop culture to music to religion to whatever else. She, like my father, walks by the Holy Spirit and you can tell by the light and love in her eyes. She is very encouraging always and is a great person to go to if I just need to talk things out about whatever. She's a fantastic cook and thankfully, for us kids, made sure we ate healthy - and when we requested healthy stuff (i.e. more fruit in the house or even specific fruit or veggies, a lower carb diet, healthier beverages) she would get it. The part time worker that she was, she was the one who was around the house more during the days or immediately after school. She taught us to be clean and organized. When we were sick she treated us and to this day if I'm feeling bad and miss my mother, she is there on the other end of the phone giving me advice and telling me she loves me. And I love her.

Between my two parents, I really couldn't have asked for a better upbringing. As I've transitioned into adulthood they are there for me with advice but also allow me to be my own person. I know they wish me happiness with my life and career. I never really asked them if they approve of my career choice. I told them my passion for music and what I wanted to do, and whether they liked it or not, they supported and cheered me on. They helped me to go to the school that I wanted to go to (even suggested it before I even knew much about it). The career, of course, comes with its ups and downs (holidays away or shorter vacations with family stink!). But they have dealt with it like champs and I suppose I have, too. My parents were always encouraging and loving, they never were overly praising though. I suppose, wisely, they thought that praise should be earned through hard work, perseverance, and working towards/meeting goals, and not given freely. I am thankful for that. They have told me enough for me to know that they do love me and are proud parents but not so much that I think I deserve it for any reason other than the results of my labors. I love my parents so much and think they are wonderful people. I have been so blessed with my family.

And of course, I can't NOT mention my sister! I talk about her a lot in these blogs, but then again she is my sister, best friend, confidant, goof off person, and any number of other wonderful qualities that you can imagine. Intelligent, artistic, adventuresome, handy, beautiful, hard-working, funny, and kind are a few adjectives that come to mind immediately when I think of my sister. A great person to talk to or just hang out with, my sister is someone I can and do share anything with. I love her so so much! And I'm really glad we never went through a phase where we just hated each other or anything!

So to all of my family - mom, dad, sister, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, performers, church friends, and school friends. I love you, I love you, I love you. Whether you raised me, grew up with me, are an intimate friend, or just a solid person that has invested your time and friendship in me, you are my family. You are so important to me and I thank you for being a part of my life! Because God put you in my life, I feel so full and joyful! To those that become my family in the future - I can't wait to meet you! To those who are already a part of my family - I'm so thankful and glad to know you and the best is yet to come :)

However you define family - family is a beautiful thing.

Books! a million

I love having my imagination sparked and stretched. One thing I've been doing with my time as of late is reading a lot. In between shows, in between sections, in my mornings, before bed. I just can't get enough. I feel as though I'm trying to make up for the past 6 years of not reading...or only reading Harry Potter :) I am wanting to grow in my tastes though. Yes, I will always love the fiction/fantasy type books because they are fascinating to me and I suppose they are my escapist literature. I am wanting to read more poetry, memoirs, philosophy, non-fiction, plays, and classic literature though. I've got plenty of books that I began and have not finished, so I'll be working on those first and then I'll be venturing out and trying to soak up a spectrum of a fraction of the vast wealth of knowledge and imagination that is in literature.

Now, I've always loved reading, but college kinda takes that away from you...high school too, but in college, there just isn't the time. I must confess - school came easy for me. Even college. And unfortunately academics is not what it once was. As we grow up, so much emphasis from the very beginning is put on grades and scoring and the level of achievement that you reach in your classes via assignments and tests. Not enough emphasis is put on what people are actually learning and gaining from a class, but how much "stuff" is retained to be spit out on a test. And a lot of it in public schools is the administration's fault. They want higher standardized test scores so that they can get more funding. Well, that puts pressure on the teachers to deliver instead of actually doing their job of instilling knowledge and developing young minds to be cultured and educated thinkers and problem solvers.

So I, like most people-pleasers and over achievers, did what I had to do to make the grades, but in the process didn't study like an academic should. I skimmed books or used spark notes to get the gist and be able to write a decent B.S. paper about it, but didn't soak up all there is to soak from the book and what some actual studying would have done. I crammed and memorized what I needed to know for a test so that I got a good grade, but would quickly forget. Now, in my defense, I will say that I did pay attention and take notes in class and so I retained some stuff from that...but let's be honest, I wanted the grade as much as I wanted the knowledge. Gone was the child that found joy in taking the time to read and be swept away by stories - reading had become dry. I wanted to form friendships and spend my time with people or surf the internet for games or fun videos on youtube to watch.

Well, now that I've left the academic world and have some time, I find that not only do I want to read for leisure, but I want to go back and read some of the books that I was supposed to read in school and actually soak them in. I want to write my thoughts about them and I would love to discuss themes and happenings with someone. Maybe I'll start a book club :) ...haha wait, who am I kidding? My friends here don't want to be in a book club.

I will say that I am very proud of my sister. Because of her demeanor and her maturity, she has found something that she is passionate about and that she wants to learn more and more about. She enjoys reading books and going to class and being challenged to think like a scholar. She has found in academics what most of us have forgotten or never had to begin with - a genuine thirst for knowledge. She does well in school not because she is focused on grades and trying to beat the system but because she really wants to learn all that she can about something, form her own thoughts and opinions about it and be thorough in her writing and communicating it back. Something I wish I had when I was in college.

But who knows...maybe I'll go back to grad school one day - then I can focus on learning and not so much on "making the grade." Until then, I am glad to have my love for reading back! (don't you love the smell of books?!)